I haven’t posted for ages, and maybe that’s because I’ve been trying to get comfortable in this hat again. My special adoption dunce hat.
In my previous post I exclaimed that I wished I was young enough to adopt a Haitian orphan. That was ridiculously naive. And I’m probably drinking way too much wine. It’s a post divorce thing. Commenters pointed out the foreign adoption scam angle. And 24 hours later the news story broke about the kidnapping of the Haitian children under the guise of adoption. Since then there have been other unsavory stories in the news about foreign adoptions.
I want to believe that if there are children (orphans) who need adopting, that there are decent people who will love them. I want to believe that because I am a birthmother. Unfortunately, in many, many cases the adopters are unscrupulous, and the children are victims.
For years I’ve had this scenario in my head that adoption should include the birthmother (and father) if at all possible. Why not foster a teen-ager and a baby?
Meanwhile, while on the subject of bad adoption news, I was struck by an article in the L.A. Times a few days ago by Marilyn Elias about depression The article isn’t about adoption per se–it’s about parents who suffer from depression and the effect that has on their children. “Evidence is mounting that growing up with a depressed parent increases a child’s risk for mental health problems, cognitive difficulties and troubled social relationships.”
Another ripple in the adoption pond, I thought as I read on. The interminable sadness that is the legacy of giving up a child goes on to effect subsequent children. Well, that’s depressing. And the depression could go on to effect the children’s children. And so on. Adoption. Big ripples in a deep, deep pond.
Hi what dunce’s hat? Toss it in the bin!
The legacy of giving up a child leaves the mother with disenfranchised grief which can become depression and often does.Without support and having been coerced, manipulated and sometimes conned into relinquishment and no future support available it’s not surprising.I don’t have to tell you that you know it better than most but many do not, particularly adopters who choose to ignore the pain..could they .could they live with it if they did? Some seem to be able to because they rebadge it, rename it and sanitise it.
Please read the books of Evelyn Robins Richardson, available by post, they are so helpful.
Ps why not foster a teenage mother and her baby if they can’t stay with their family?It might do far less damage to everyone.
Good wishes, good to see you back…..
I used to wish that I could have been adopted along with my son! Especially since the main reason I chose adoption was because I didn’t want to raise him in the shitty, dysfunctional family I was being raised in.
I think it’s a wonderful idea!
Susie
There are so many teens in foster care who are close to aging out of the system and falling through the cracks in our society. There is also a disproportionately high demand for babies to adopt (the kind of demand that creates the horrendous situations you write about.) Imagine if the adoptive parents had the chance to raise the baby they so desire AND help keep a young mother in a safe, loving home with her baby. What a different world we would live in.