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Adopt a Ukrainian Baby

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Actually, you can’t adopt a Ukrainian baby.

Here’s why

The nation’s Ministry of Social Policy has declared a moratorium on adoptions because of the war. They clearly state that “under current conditions inter-country adoption is impossible.”

The National Council for Adoption in the U.S. states that the identities of Ukrainian children and their legal, social, and familial status cannot be verified at this time, and this is not the appropriate time for adopting them.

But still, the persistent persist. A crusade to capture “orphans” in the name of Christianity charges forward. And the brazen unscrupulousness is enough to bring you to your knees. Because Evangelical Christian adoption is a serious thing. A devoutly serious thing. Devoutly serious Christians want to do good. Or do their version of doing good. However, international adoption has not been unabashedly good.

A brief history

Japan, Germany, and Korea

After World War II the plight of Japanese “orphans” and German “orphans” began attracting attention in the U.S. However, these children were likely not orphans at all. They were the offspring of departing U. S. servicemen, and often stigmatized for their mixed race status. This made it difficult for their mothers to raise them. So organizations promoting adoption of these children sprang up. Lots of organizations. And of course, lots of money changed hands.

Then came the Korean War and the Holts. You’ve maybe heard of them if you’re at all familiar with international adoption. They were an Evangelical couple from Oregon. After the Korean War they adopted eight Korean children. Laws were changed to make this possible.

The idea caught on. More laws were changed. Proxy adoptions became popular. Therefore, American couples did not even have to appear in a foreign country’s courts to finalize the adoptions. According to the University of Oregon Adoption History Project, Americans adopted 15,000 foreign children between 1953 and 1962. The Holts and the agency that grew out of their family adoption project were thought to be the gold standard in international adoption for a long time.

Viet Nam, etc. etc.

If you’re of a certain age, you might remember Operation Babylift as Saigon fell at the end of the Viet Nam War. That story had a second chapter as some of the “orphans” brought to the U.S. returned to Viet Nam and sought their birth families. In fact, many foreign adoptees have returned to their homelands seeking family members that were there all along.

The sources of children for international adoption were endless. The one child policy in China. The Ceausescu orphanages of Romania. The conflict in Ethiopia, the earthquake victims of Haiti, the poverty in Latin America. This is not a complete list, by any means. Wherever disaster strikes, adoption agencies swoop in.

What we know now

What we know now is that foreign adoption is even more complicated than domestic adoption. Every adoption begins with loss. But foreign adoption begins with every loss. Mother, family, country, culture, language, cuisine. All gone.

The word is out that Ukrainian children are not fair game for adoption right now. It seems unlikely that everyone wants to hear that message. But maybe the tide is turning. Bethany, one of the most fervent Christian agencies, now has a new stance. According to an article in the Atlantic a few months ago, that stance is family preservation. Yes. Family preservation.

And..I hate to rain on the preservation parade, but that’s probably why the surrogacy business is booming.

Surrogate Motherhood in Ukraine

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Ukraine is a leader in surrogacy

Surrogate motherhood is a big thing in Ukraine. I didn’t know about this thriving business until the war. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. In my previous post I wrote about the couple from California who went to great lengths to get their newborn daughter out of Kyiv while the surrogate mother who gave birth to the child stayed behind. The Los Angeles Times wrote a follow-up story, which made me think about the general issue of surrogate motherhood–both traditional and gestational. You can click HERE if you want to get a clear idea of the difference between the two.

Surrogate motherhood’s price tag

Like in the adoption industry, money–lots of it–changes hands in a surrogacy arrangement. According to some info on the web from the Fertility Center of Las Vegas, surrogacy costs in the U.S. range from110,000 to 170,000 dollars. Understandably (if you can understand the concept of renting another person’s uterus,) couples go searching for a better deal. Surrogacy services have been legal in Ukraine since 2002, and the cost is reportedly between 30,000 and 40,000 U.S. dollars “for the complete package.” It’s easy to see, with that price difference, why business is thriving. Couples from all over the world turn to Ukraine to fulfill their dreams of having a family.

Basements full of babies

But first there was Covid. And now there’s a full-blown war. So there are basement bomb shelters full of babies in Ukraine. Judging from the photos some newspapers are running with the current articles about babies stuck there because of the fighting, there are lots and lots of babies. From the look of things, with some babies holding up their heads and looking around, legs dangling to the nannies’ waists, these babies were born long before the first shell dropped–probably months ago while travel was restricted due to Covid. And as if things aren’t horrific enough, there’s been worry about another wave of Covid due to crowded conditions in shelters and from the massive crowds crammed together in the exodus. It’s an unthinkable situation.

The complications of surrogacy

Like adoption, surrogacy is fraught with complications. At its heart the ethics, I think, are questionable. If you want a bit of a lengthy read, there’s this Supreme Court brief from 2018 . Having been guided on my own journey as a birthmother by Concerned United Birthparents, it’s worth noting that much of what’s in the brief was guided by CUB’s position paper on surrogacy.

For the past two weeks I’ve seen the images on TV of Ukrainians fleeing their country. People in their beautiful winter coats, their thick hats and matching scarves, the furry boots. The children bundled and looking quite cozy despite the frigid temperatures. I have no way of knowing if there were surrogate mothers in the crowd, but I’m thinking maybe not. Maybe they’re like the surrogate mother in the California story. She has two other children and a husband who’s fighting in the war. Their house is old and the basement “is closed off because it needs repair.” It doesn’t sound like she’ll be going anywhere.

The economics of surrogacy

Ukraine is the poorest country in Europe. Surrogacy is big business because women need the money. Of course, their cut of the 30 to 40 grand is around 15,000 dollars, and the agency, of course, gets its piece. Economics and ethics get wound into a tangle with surrogacy, just like in adoption.

The surrogate child

Certainly, there will be no uniform point of view from the Ukrainian children who emerge from the basements into family life– just as there is no uniform point of view from adoptees about their own past trauma. But now, with the delays due to Covid and this terrible war, it is certain that harm is being done.

How to Adopt from Ukraine

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How, exactly, do you adopt a baby from Ukraine during a war? By any means necessary. What is necessary? I will tell you what I learned from a story I read recently.

But first, I will remind you that I am a birthmother/first mother and that I write from that perspective. I write about adoption because I want you to pause for a moment and reconsider the heartwarming stories so often in the news. I want you to peer inside these stories and open the door to that dimly lit room where the birthmother resides. I want you to imagine a woman in a hospital bed, the sound of shelling, her empty arms.

Escape on foot

 In this story the baby’s mother is in a hospital room in Ukraine. Bombs are dropping the morning her newborn daughter leaves with a new set of parents. But the new parents take the baby out of the hospital without getting an official discharge from the doctor. They take her even though the nurses advise against it. The baby is having trouble eating and needs special formula, and so the parents must go in search of it.

Flights out of Ukraine have been cancelled. The parents and the baby must exit by car through Poland. The bombing could intensify with each passing hour. The hired driver cancels. Then the car with the new driver gets stuck for hours in a traffic jam. Finally, the parents decide to walk. Border control officials separate them.

Leave the birthmother behind

The adoption process, whatever its particulars, is inherently designed to leave the birthmother behind. The story in the article mentions surrogacy, but does not get into the particulars of sperm and egg. The particular fact that interests me is that, even when bombs are falling, the birthmother, who may have contributed an egg as well as a womb, is barely considered. The adoptive parents tried to get the doctors to induce labor so they could take the baby sooner. Did the birthmother have a say in this?  What about when the adoptive parents took the baby from the hospital without a formal discharge? What desires did she have regarding the child she gave birth to? Did anyone honor these desires?

Tell a heroic story

Things have continued to deteriorate in Kyiv since the final week of February when a two-day-old baby girl left a hospital with a new set of parents. The three of them made it across the border into Poland, trekking through the cold, the last seven miles on foot. They got a hotel and reserved a flight back to the United States. A baby rescued from war as bombs fell. This is the story in the newspaper. This is likely the story the American parents will tell their daughter about the day she became theirs. They will tell her how they adopted a baby from Ukraine. Drama. War. Rescue. Escape. What they will say to her about the birthmother left in a city under siege?

National Adoption Month

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What N.A. M. is not meant to be

Today is the last day of November. But it’s still National Adoption Month. I feel like pouring myself a glass of champagne and then maybe crying into the bubbles.

Originally created to call attention to plight of children in foster care, National Adoption Month is a particularly harrowing time for birthmothers. The media bombards us with accounts of adoption that don’t reflect the birthmother reality or perspective. National Adoption Month was never meant as a platform for touting infant adoption, or foreign adoption, or crowd funding for adoption. And I dare say that anyone involved in the foster care system is unlikely to be so delusional as to promote adoption as one big happiness fest. Yet, all of that has somehow elbowed its way onto the stage of National Adoption Month.

Adoption’s worst practices

And now it’s almost over. Of course as the media spotlight dims, all of adoption’s worst practices will carry on behind the curtain. But the fight against them must continue. Education is key. I’ve only recently found my voice as a birthmother, and in the coming year, I hope for the courage  to speak out when the opportunity arises. I’m grateful to Carrie Goldman and her National Adoption Month series, 30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days. “Designed to give a voice to the many different perspectives of adoption, this series featured guest posts by people with widely varying experiences,” and there’s an awful lot of good reading to be found. I have an essay in the series. It can be found here.

Buy a Chinese Baby

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Buy a Chinese Baby?! Read on.

This blog has been languishing much like the effort to unseal adoption records in many U.S. States.  

Writing has kept me traveling since my last post, and many of the places I’ve traveled through and spent time in have variations of the same terrible adoption laws I’ve commented on in this blog. It was depressing to belabor the point.

So far in 2009, I’ve spent time in Vermont, New York, Maryland, Minnesota, Iowa (where my son was adopted) Nebraska & Oregon.  Only Oregon has open records. One state out of all the states I’ve mentioned. I’ve also driven through Nevada (where gambling & prostitution are legal 24 hours a day) Utah & Colorado. It’s a big country and the prospects of birth parents and children reuniting are sparser than opportunities for a gourmet meal along the interstate.

Meanwhile, what I had envisioned as my personal contribution to the struggle–my book about my experience of relinquishing and reconnecting with my son–has languished too, as I put more and more effort into finishing my MFA.  However, an article in the BBC news this morning got me going.    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8130900.stm
 
The writer in me hatched a dastardly plot:  Adopt (buy) a Chinese baby and then give her back to her parents.  Of course, one would have to know who the parents are.